One of my friends is a bigger asshole than all the others.

I promise I won't be mad.

Didn't you just love that shit from your parents when you were younger?
"Just tell me the truth, I promise I won't be mad."

Always a lie.  They were pretty much ALWAYS mad.
It was a trick.

A trick that I'm going to now use.

I promise I won't be mad.......
.....if one of you crafty assholes admits you sent the Witnesses to my house.

WHY do I think one of my friends sent them?  Because it's fucking hilarious and sounds like something pretty much any of them would do. And I'm upset that I didn't think of it first.

Seriously, I'm not mad.
Until this lady comes back when I'm home and I have to hide from her.
That shit ruins my TV time.

wtf, and other utterly magical thoughts that I think.

What is with "What the What?"   It's "What the FUCK?", people.

What the fuck is with allll you fuckers that let me walk around allllmotherfuckingday with a tag on my new shirt?

What the fuck is with super moms?  Your kid has taken over every single aspect of your life INCLUDING your facebook profile picture?  This makes me bored.
I'm also bored of your blogs.

What the fuck was with Hillary Clinton's dress at Chelsea's wedding?
Did she never go to prom?

Why the fuck do my neighbors only drop by my house when I've picked at random things on  my face, am sweaty from exercising and my nipples are showing through my tank top?

Also, what the fuck is with public toilets that spray herpesgonasyphilaids on you when you flush them?

Warning: poster may be drunker than she appears.

Remember that time on The Hills when Lauren went to Spencer and heidis wedding, even though she told everyone she wasn't going to, and thought that her one-time best friend was marrying a super creep psychotic fucker that was ruining everything?

No?

Well, today is nothing like that.

But only in the way that I'm superfuckingpositive that I won't be attending any such event.
I also don't have blond highlights.

Everything else In this scenario is the same.

Obvious correlations between "The Passion of the Christ" and "The Twilight Saga"

After seeing my bazillionth "Team Jacob" T-shirt the other day, I got to thinking,
"Bitches, WHY are you on Team Jacob? You've obviously read these books ahundredmillionmotherfuckingtimes.  You KNOW how this shit ends."
NON-SPOILER ALERT:
She picks Edward.

No matter how many times you see this movie, or wear your Team Jacob T-shirt, it's still going to end the same.

She can't go without his sparkly superawesomeness. She just can't.
Then I started thinking that maybe people picked teams after these junk movies were cast. If you have eyeballs, it's totally obvious that Taylor Lautner (Jacob)  is WAY hotter than Robert Pattinson (Edward)  who is SUPPOSED to be the hottest thing since those firey wings on Man vs. Food that were glazed in snot because the dude was leaking out of all his orifices. Why does hot stuff make your nose spew? Does snot have a low heat threshold?
I digress.

Everyone knows how this garbage ends. Bella picks Edward, they have a satanic human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby with a name no one can pronounce, and they all live happily ever after.  OH, after Jacob falls in love with said human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby.
See girls, Jacob will be just fine.

Know what this reminds me of?

Jesus.

Yeah. It's EXACTLY like all those people on Team Jesus that went to see
The Passion of the Christ, and came out of the theater with snot running down their faces, which YOU KNOW makes me wonder if snot also has a low religious threshold.
Everyone knows how this shit ends.
Even Atheists living under rocks know how this ends.
NON-SPOILER ALERT:
He didn't get the girl, but he DID forgive the universe of its sins (and stuff like that) in his triumphant zombie comeback, (which totally should have been a sequel) which is EXACTLY like Jacob getting the human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby.  Everybody wins.




My brain is a scary place, people.

Are theme-park pools considered international waters? I may need to seek immunity.

Today I will tell you a tale of how I verbally assaulted
a 12-year-old fat fucking bastard child.


YEAH.


Last weekend we went to Boondocks, which is a giant amusement complex full of zit faced teenagers eye fucking other zit faced teenagers. Oh, and go-karts.


OH, AND BUMPER BOATS.

Now, my past tells me that one might ASSUME that I'm an asshole.   People tend to confuse being honest with being an asshole, but very rarely has anyone actually witnessed me having a balls to the wall all out supreme-o douche bag flare up. With a side of Tourettes.  The swearing kind, not the flinchy freakout kind. 
Was I being an asshole just now? About the Tourettes thing?  Shit.
Anyway.


After sweltering my fair cracker skin in the heat of midday during mini golf, we decided that the boats would be a good way to cool off.  
Back to the asshole thing- being the typically mellow person I am, I figured that even though there were plenty of people participating in bumper boatdom, I would only go after the people I was there with.  Who the fuck bumps strangers? 
ASSHOLES. THAT'S WHO.

OH, AND DID I MENTION THAT THE BOATS HAD SQUIRT GUNS?

Who sprays total strangers in the face? 
ASSHOLES. THAT'S WHO.

Immediately following anchors aweigh,  I'm getting drenched.  I squint through the chlorine to see who the hell is pelting my eyeholes with water.

Ohhhh, it's YOU, 12-year-old freckly fat fucking bastard kid I've NEVER MET!
And you aren't stopping.  Nooooo, no you aren't.

Getting frustrated at Boyfriend who can't seem to steer his dingy away from this little Damian fast enough, now I'm getting shot in the back of the head.

We somehow manage to get turned back around towards him, and he's laughing maniacally. MANIACALLY!
Probably because I'm screaming. Screaming provokes bullies. I totally remember from elementary school. Except in elementary school, I didn't have a potty mouth.
And then, all of a sudden, I'm screaming,
"I am SO going to BEAT YOUR ASS after this!".  
Oh no I didn't. 
Yeah. I really did.  
I threatened a kid.


I also may or may not have demanded that Boyfriend "fuck up this kid's dad".
And put in a call to MTV's "Bully Beatdown".
And continued to call this kid unsavory names.


This trip started out sortof sketchy anyway, since Boyfriend's kid pointed out that I hate exactly three things.
Sun.  People.  Kids.      

I blame my behavior on the trifecta. And the Tourettes.



Seriously though, that kid was a fuck.

I'd update my Facebook status WAY MORE if I could say what I'm REALLY thinking.....

Sometimes All the time, things go through my head that are highly inappropriate.
Brief little nuggets of hilarity that are too vile for the masses.
Things that I'd love to put as a Facebook status update, but would most likely offend  130 out of my 135 friends.
I think I'm going to start putting them here because I'm pretty sure the other five will enjoy them :)


Status Update:
I think I just saw a prostitute at the pizza buffet. Her shorts were so short that I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of labia.  I'm trying to decide if the meat lovers pizza still looks appetizing....

I've been tea bagged.

This entire past weekend was spent making up stories about my new neighbors.
Where they came from, their religious beliefs, mother issues, all of it.
I had a couple different scenarios regarding their lives.

a)  Mormon couple coming back to Zion
Since she had a Virginia license plate on her car, the story was that he met her on his LDS mission and brought her back to the mother land. They would not be living the the one-bedroom apartment very long because soon she would take up her duties as a breeder and perpetuate their bloodlines of Mormondom.

b)  Job Relocation
Again, because of the Virginia license plate, the story was that they relocated to Utah for a job, and found the apartment on the internet. They were from out of state, and would be super awesome new drinking buddies.
Since wife was seen crying on her lawn when they first arrived, I was pretty sure the photos of their new pad online were deceiving since they had approximately 49 Uhauls full of shit that was no way in hell fitting in that apartment.



Last night, Sister and I went over to chat chit and see if my predictions were in any way accurate.

Truth:  They were indeed a lovely Mormon couple coming back to Utah for a job.
Where I went wrong was that she had just graduated from law school in Virginia.
Ok, so I may have underestimated her initial intelligence in my time glance-stalking from across the street.  But then again, I'm always right.

So today, like any other modern person in the age of the interwebz would do, I Facebook stalked them.

OMG.  TEA PARTIERS.
Palin 2012 T-shirts and all.
OMG.
NO FUCKING SHIT.
HAVE THEY SEEN MY OBAMA SIGN IN MY GARAGE ALL WEEKEND?
HOW MANY GUNS DO THEY OWN?
I THINK MY TRUCK HAS BEEN KEYED.
WILL THEY BE ABLE TO SMELL MY GAY BROTHER'S PRESENCE AND LIBERAL AGENDA?
OMG.
FUCK.