Are theme-park pools considered international waters? I may need to seek immunity.

Today I will tell you a tale of how I verbally assaulted
a 12-year-old fat fucking bastard child.


YEAH.


Last weekend we went to Boondocks, which is a giant amusement complex full of zit faced teenagers eye fucking other zit faced teenagers. Oh, and go-karts.


OH, AND BUMPER BOATS.

Now, my past tells me that one might ASSUME that I'm an asshole.   People tend to confuse being honest with being an asshole, but very rarely has anyone actually witnessed me having a balls to the wall all out supreme-o douche bag flare up. With a side of Tourettes.  The swearing kind, not the flinchy freakout kind. 
Was I being an asshole just now? About the Tourettes thing?  Shit.
Anyway.


After sweltering my fair cracker skin in the heat of midday during mini golf, we decided that the boats would be a good way to cool off.  
Back to the asshole thing- being the typically mellow person I am, I figured that even though there were plenty of people participating in bumper boatdom, I would only go after the people I was there with.  Who the fuck bumps strangers? 
ASSHOLES. THAT'S WHO.

OH, AND DID I MENTION THAT THE BOATS HAD SQUIRT GUNS?

Who sprays total strangers in the face? 
ASSHOLES. THAT'S WHO.

Immediately following anchors aweigh,  I'm getting drenched.  I squint through the chlorine to see who the hell is pelting my eyeholes with water.

Ohhhh, it's YOU, 12-year-old freckly fat fucking bastard kid I've NEVER MET!
And you aren't stopping.  Nooooo, no you aren't.

Getting frustrated at Boyfriend who can't seem to steer his dingy away from this little Damian fast enough, now I'm getting shot in the back of the head.

We somehow manage to get turned back around towards him, and he's laughing maniacally. MANIACALLY!
Probably because I'm screaming. Screaming provokes bullies. I totally remember from elementary school. Except in elementary school, I didn't have a potty mouth.
And then, all of a sudden, I'm screaming,
"I am SO going to BEAT YOUR ASS after this!".  
Oh no I didn't. 
Yeah. I really did.  
I threatened a kid.


I also may or may not have demanded that Boyfriend "fuck up this kid's dad".
And put in a call to MTV's "Bully Beatdown".
And continued to call this kid unsavory names.


This trip started out sortof sketchy anyway, since Boyfriend's kid pointed out that I hate exactly three things.
Sun.  People.  Kids.      

I blame my behavior on the trifecta. And the Tourettes.



Seriously though, that kid was a fuck.

I'd update my Facebook status WAY MORE if I could say what I'm REALLY thinking.....

Sometimes All the time, things go through my head that are highly inappropriate.
Brief little nuggets of hilarity that are too vile for the masses.
Things that I'd love to put as a Facebook status update, but would most likely offend  130 out of my 135 friends.
I think I'm going to start putting them here because I'm pretty sure the other five will enjoy them :)


Status Update:
I think I just saw a prostitute at the pizza buffet. Her shorts were so short that I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of labia.  I'm trying to decide if the meat lovers pizza still looks appetizing....