Remember that time on The Hills when Lauren went to Spencer and heidis wedding, even though she told everyone she wasn't going to, and thought that her one-time best friend was marrying a super creep psychotic fucker that was ruining everything?
No?
Well, today is nothing like that.
But only in the way that I'm superfuckingpositive that I won't be attending any such event.
I also don't have blond highlights.
Everything else In this scenario is the same.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Obvious correlations between "The Passion of the Christ" and "The Twilight Saga"
After seeing my bazillionth "Team Jacob" T-shirt the other day, I got to thinking,
"Bitches, WHY are you on Team Jacob? You've obviously read these books ahundredmillionmotherfuckingtimes. You KNOW how this shit ends."
NON-SPOILER ALERT:
She picks Edward.
No matter how many times you see this movie, or wear your Team Jacob T-shirt, it's still going to end the same.
She can't go without his sparkly superawesomeness. She just can't.
Then I started thinking that maybe people picked teams after these junk movies were cast. If you have eyeballs, it's totally obvious that Taylor Lautner (Jacob) is WAY hotter than Robert Pattinson (Edward) who is SUPPOSED to be the hottest thing since those firey wings on Man vs. Food that were glazed in snot because the dude was leaking out of all his orifices. Why does hot stuff make your nose spew? Does snot have a low heat threshold?
I digress.
Everyone knows how this garbage ends. Bella picks Edward, they have a satanic human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby with a name no one can pronounce, and they all live happily ever after. OH, after Jacob falls in love with said human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby.
See girls, Jacob will be just fine.
Know what this reminds me of?
Jesus.
Yeah. It's EXACTLY like all those people on Team Jesus that went to see
The Passion of the Christ, and came out of the theater with snot running down their faces, which YOU KNOW makes me wonder if snot also has a low religious threshold.
Everyone knows how this shit ends.
Even Atheists living under rocks know how this ends.
NON-SPOILER ALERT:
He didn't get the girl, but he DID forgive the universe of its sins (and stuff like that) in his triumphant zombie comeback, (which totally should have been a sequel) which is EXACTLY like Jacob getting the human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby. Everybody wins.
My brain is a scary place, people.
"Bitches, WHY are you on Team Jacob? You've obviously read these books ahundredmillionmotherfuckingtimes. You KNOW how this shit ends."
NON-SPOILER ALERT:
She picks Edward.
No matter how many times you see this movie, or wear your Team Jacob T-shirt, it's still going to end the same.
She can't go without his sparkly superawesomeness. She just can't.
Then I started thinking that maybe people picked teams after these junk movies were cast. If you have eyeballs, it's totally obvious that Taylor Lautner (Jacob) is WAY hotter than Robert Pattinson (Edward) who is SUPPOSED to be the hottest thing since those firey wings on Man vs. Food that were glazed in snot because the dude was leaking out of all his orifices. Why does hot stuff make your nose spew? Does snot have a low heat threshold?
I digress.
Everyone knows how this garbage ends. Bella picks Edward, they have a satanic human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby with a name no one can pronounce, and they all live happily ever after. OH, after Jacob falls in love with said human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby.
See girls, Jacob will be just fine.
Know what this reminds me of?
Jesus.
Yeah. It's EXACTLY like all those people on Team Jesus that went to see
The Passion of the Christ, and came out of the theater with snot running down their faces, which YOU KNOW makes me wonder if snot also has a low religious threshold.
Everyone knows how this shit ends.
Even Atheists living under rocks know how this ends.
NON-SPOILER ALERT:
He didn't get the girl, but he DID forgive the universe of its sins (and stuff like that) in his triumphant zombie comeback, (which totally should have been a sequel) which is EXACTLY like Jacob getting the human-vampire hybrid life-sucking monster baby. Everybody wins.
My brain is a scary place, people.
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